lead me from my solitude [FIC] - 1/4
Jul. 5th, 2022 02:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
notturnitoThere is not really a good way to start this. But, maybe San could begin by saying that his life’s most terrible and simultaneously greatest turn of events happened in his first year of university. Specifically, when he was accidentally registered for KHU’s Seoul campus dorm, instead of the dorm he’s supposed to get for his global campus in Yongin.
Actually, it’s probably because Wooyoung moved in midway through the semester as San’s sudden roommate.
Flashback time.
Enter freshman San, fresh-faced and half-dying from midterms at that point, all while trying to fight off the urge to hop into the nearest train, so he could go back home to Namhae and cry to his parents about how he shouldn’t have taken plant and environmental new resources in KHU as his major. But he wouldn’t be Choi San if he’s not stubborn, so San gritted his teeth and juggled studying for his chemistry and physics and biology exams that went back to back, and, dear god, dealt with the commute to Yongin every single day. Even with the dozen emails he sent about changing his room, the housing administration team couldn’t be reached and basically shoved a middle finger to his face, saying, “fuck you, Choi San. Namhae boys can eat dirt.” So, in the first half of the semester, San had nothing, no one, and not even the time to properly be acquainted with the students living in the same dorm as he did, except for fellow freshmen Yunho and Mingi, and that’s only because they live in the room right next to San.
Suddenly, the unreachable administration team sent him a notice about getting a roommate, but San completely shoved the email to the back of his head because he was too busy crying in the global campus’ library over integrals (which was pathetic, okay, but he didn’t think they’re gonna teach this again in a major about plants!).
So, imagine San’s surprise when he came back home late at night, and he saw that his room was very much occupied.
Yeah.
But Jung Wooyoung was great.
He'd taken a look at San’s pitiful 10PM post-commute state and then proceeded to make a bowl of seaweed soup - that reminded San of his mom’s cooking so much that San might have kinda bursted into tears on the spot. From there, all notions about studying were thrown out of the figurative window, as San and Wooyoung just… hit it off. They introduced themselves to each other - name, age, major, yada yada; Wooyoung grimaced when San told him what he was studying, though he launched into a rant himself when San asked about his own professors. After a while of casual conversation, though, Wooyoung suddenly turned serious.
“So, San-ssi,” he said, mouth pressed into a thin line as he leaned forward, elbows on his bouncing knees. “Like, I think you seem pretty alright as a person, but I gotta say this upfront. Because I’m gay, and I’m gonna have my boyfriend over a lot of the time.” He leaned back, chin tilted up as though aggressively challenging San, though there’s something unreadable in Wooyoung’s eyes. Something slightly vulnerable.
“So,” he said, bringing San’s attention to his words again. “You okay with it?”
At that time, Wooyoung probably meant something more than just his bringing his boyfriend over a lot, but in all honesty, San’s brain had been working so hard during the day. He processed the words “I’m gay” and a boy saying “My boyfriend” - and they were enough to overwhelm his pitiful, overworked pre-frontal cortex that his mind promptly blanked.
“Oh!” He probably said, or something else as stupid. “That’s cool!”
“Yeah?”
“Yep!” And, because San didn’t – still doesn’t have a filter: “I didn’t think I’d meet another gay guy so soon in Seoul!”
In the future, that response would be the sleep paralysis demon that jerked San awake at night, that would enter his thoughts intrusively and make him want to bash his head against the wall because – fuck who the fuck says stuff like that as a reply! San had not even told - uh - his cat Byeol that he’s gay!
But Wooyoung had blinked at him, before he broke into a bright smile.
That opened a floodgate in San’s life.
Everything else that followed happened so quickly after San’s impromptu coming out. Somehow, Wooyoung also happened to know Yunho and Mingi despite all three of them majoring in different things. Wooyoung did contemporary, Yunho studied vocal music, while Mingi majored in textile and clothing design. The Arts and Design college that Mingi was enrolled in was actually in the Yongin global campus, though Mingi signed up for the Seoul Sewhawon dorm just so he could be roommates with Yunho.
“It’s my anxiety,” he had blatantly confessed, as Yunho put a reassuring hand on Mingi’s broad shoulders. “So I’d honestly rather room with someone I’ve known since I was in diapers than with… well.”
“Hah,” Wooyoung barked out an unkind laugh at Mingi’s words and gesticulation. “You chose well, Mangi-yah. Unlike me at the beginning of this semester.”
In hindsight, San should have paid more attention to that, to the forceful stretch of Wooyoung’s lips, to his initial questioning on San's acceptance of his sexuality, to his dancing around the subject of having to move out from his original room; he should have put two and two together. But, that time, the topic had moved on fast enough that San did not even think to ask more, and anyways! San gained a friend to spend the hellish commute hours together, so that’s great!
San also ended up meeting the boyfriend. True to his words, Wooyoung had him over so many times that San just got used to Hongjoong’s presence in their shared room, lounging indolently on Wooyoung’s bed as he was working on his music analysis essay or as he was listening to some music piece assigned by his professor before class - “It’s called repertoire, Sannie-ssi,” Wooyoung once said, rolling his eyes. Hongjoong being there was not really out of his own volition, though; it’s more because Wooyoung was an unstoppable force and Hongjoong wasn’t so much of an immovable object when it came to his boyfriend. So, yep! Though, Hongjoong’s still probably the coolest and chillest sophomore San had ever known, with his dyed, dark brown hair and choppy fringes and artsy clothes. No wonder Wooyoung had been chasing him while they both were still in high school.
Then, there’s graceful Seonghwa, who was Hongjoong’s fellow sophomore friend and Wooyoung's senior from the Dance department. San accidentally found out about Mingi’s crush on him, one noraebang night that Wooyoung dragged him to. There were only San, Wooyoung, Mingi, and Yunho there - though both Mingi and Yunho seemed to know the high school kid manning the reception. Mingi was already drunk as he belted out a forlorn love ballad about one-sided pining, standing with wobbly legs on the table, shoes off because he still had the decency to do so.
Yunho dutifully held the soju bottle Mingi had downed straight from. “He saw Seonghwa-hyungnim at the library and tried to work up the courage to talk to him,” he explained to Wooyoung and San through Mingi’s horrific wails. “Accidentally knocked over a book cart. Books went flying. Worse: hyungnim saw everything.”
“Wait,” San asked, after two shot glasses of soju and one drunken epiphany. “Are we all gay, then?”
“Sooo gay,” Mingi bemoaned from Yunho’s lap, as Yunho snickered and patted Mingi’s pretty red bangs softly.
He exchanged a glance with Wooyoung, who looked over his shoulders to wink at him, before focusing back to nailing all the notes in BTS' Run. “Well," Yunho mused thoughtfully, "I haven’t been interested in enough people to find out exactly, but boy or girl doesn’t matter to me.”
Mingi made a noise of protest and Yunho patted him again. “Sorry, been working on it. I mean, gender doesn’t matter to me.”
Mingi grunted contentedly.
Despite the overall peacefulness of the conversation, no one else knew the implosion happening in San’s mind.
Hence, in the middle of Wooyoung’s belting out Dasi run run run and Yunho’s humming along as he carded his fingers through Mingi’s hair, San just had the great discovery that here, unlike in Namhae where he’d spent nineteen years of his life living in the repressed silence that Hongjoong would dub as ‘the closet’, he was no longer the only boy who liked other boys in his friend circle. The realization was euphoric. It was also terrifying. It was the most terrible and also greatest turn of events in San’s life.
And this is where Kang Yeosang comes into the picture.
San heard about Yeosang first before they got to meet – not because his reputation preceded him or anything, but more because Wooyoung often casually mentioned him in conversations. Oh, let’s take a picture of our food and send this to Yeosangie. Yeonjun darling, sorry you gotta wait for a bit. Yah! Changbin-ah, move your face away, you’re destroying the beauty of the food. Okay, sent! Yeosangie will definitely be jealous he can’t be here.
Yeosangie this, Yeosangie that. When San asked, he found that Yeosang was Wooyoung’s childhood friend. As in, if Hongjoong had known Wooyoung from high school, Kang Yeosang had apparently grown up with him, same neighborhood and all - the way Mingi grew up with Yunho and Jongho, the high school kid part-timing at the noraebang they had grown to frequent during weekends.
And yet, San hadn’t gotten to meet Yeosang even once. It’s a bit weird, considering how Yeosang must’ve been a huge part of Wooyoung’s life.
The only time San had gotten closest to perceiving him was when Wooyoung had rounded his other friends Changbin and Yeonjun over. As San tried to focus on his Bioresources readings and gaslight himself about how fun aquaculture ecosystems were, Wooyoung was sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning back against San’s bed as he scrolled through his phone, while Changbin and Yeonjun sat across him, both leaning instead against Wooyoung’s mattress.
“Ah, right,” he suddenly exclaimed out loud, turning everyone’s head to him. “I’ll call Yeosangie now; he’s been missing out on seeing our faces too many times.”
“He’s probably being drilled in practice, baby,” Yeonjun casually said, as Wooyoung began to dial. San could never get used to the way Wooyoung lovingly nicknamed his friends and vice versa. “Don’t worry too much.”
“Ssh,” Wooyoung put up a finger to his lips. “He picked up! Yeos— Motherfucker! He hung up on me!”
Changbin burst out laughing hearing that, falling sideways onto Yeonjun, who covered his pretty mouth and pretty giggle behind an elegant hand. San, too invested in the conversation now, caught Yeonjun’s eyes once he twisted around in his chair to hear more. They brightened up in realization, before Yeonjun turned to Wooyoung. “Darling, San-ssi here hasn’t met our Yeosangie, right?”
“Ooh, that’s true,” Wooyoung perked up. “You guys have been here a lot, but not Yeosangie. He’s been too busy with the musical once midterms are over.”
Stabilization of harvest from fisheries could be read at another time; San tilted his head in curiosity at something Wooyoung had mentioned. “Musical?”
“Oho,” Changbin commented, instead of giving a concrete answer.
He exchanged a glance between Wooyoung and Yeonjun, before the three of them grinned devilishly at the same time.
That was how San found out about KHU’s annual interdepartmental Arts Show.
“It’s not just gonna be a musical, really,” Wooyoung said, when the special day arrived. “There’s also gonna be dance, band performance, you name it. Think I got the order of the performances somewhere… nope. Don’t got it. Anyways, I heard from Seonghwa-hyung that this is like, the fruit of combined labor by Dance Department students, Music Department students… who else, oh right, Art and Design Department, too – forgot Mingi-yah is doing costumes and shit.”
He dragged San into the amphitheater, able to find his way through the throng of students to find their seats, all while scrolling through his phone and chattering still about the show. “It’s Phantom of The Opera for the musical, that I know. Yeosangie fought tooth and nail for a role – and, god, he fucking landed it, even though freshmen aren’t supposed to be lead or something like that.”
San tried to help, looking around to see if he could spot Hongjoong’s brown mop of a head. He’s supposedly already there with Yunho to save him and Wooyoung seats, but it’s already hard trying to recognize people amid this claustrophobic crowd, not to mention trying to look for Hongjoong’s rather small stature.
“Didn’t you say Kang Yeosang-ssi studies contemporary like you too, though?”
Wooyoung snickered, craning his head to look for Hongjoong as well. “Yea, but Yeosangie has a really good voice- HONGJOONG! YAH, KIM HONGJOONG! Okay, spotted them. Let’s go.”
Several heads turned at Wooyoung’s booming voice, and their judgmental stares made San consider digging a hole and burying himself there. But he recognized Hongjoong, the only figure ducking and trying to hide himself unsuccessfully on his seat among the turned faces- and, alright, he could also see Yunho next to him. Honestly, how they had not spotted his lanky figure was beyond San.
As he and Wooyoung made their way to the duo, Wooyoung continued to speak without missing a beat. “Oh, but yeah, Yeosangie is really great, San-ah. He actually wanted Raoul for this, but something was in the water on the day he auditioned. He got Erik instead! Seriously, you should’ve seen that; he’s too charismatic that day to just be a pretty boy.”
“Pretty? Do you have a picture of Yeosang-ssi?”
That stopped Wooyoung in his tracks. He looked back over his shoulder at San, eyes glimmering in amusement, lips slightly pursed as though he’s trying to hold back a smile.
“’f course I do,” Wooyoung started to fish inside his jeans’ pocket, before- “Wait.” He eyed San again, his grin now sharp, like a shark scenting blood. “Should I…? Or should I let you find out on your own…”
San narrowed his eyes at Wooyoung, who only grinned wider at him, as they both resumed walking. They finally reached Hongjoong and Yunho’s section. San waved at Yunho’s small, cheerful smile, though he had to pause, seeing the fierce, exaggerated scowl on Hongjoong’s face.
“Oh, Hongjoong-hyung, Yuyu, I know I can always count on you,” ignoring his expression, Wooyoung reached out fearlessly to pat Hongjoong affectionately on the cheek. With no hesitation and no small amount of bloodlust, Hongjoong bit into the meat of Wooyoung’s hand, which was, what the fuck? Yet Wooyoung merely resumed his conversation with San, too nonchalant over having someone’s teeth gnawing viciously at his palm.
“Yeah,” he decided, bringing out his other hand from his phone pocket. “I think I’ll let him surprise you. Also, Hongjoongie-ssi, this is how you’re greeting me today?”
San took his seat next to Wooyoung once he seated himself beside Hongjoong. Yunho, sitting on Hongjoong’s other side, folded his long legs and leaned over to watch them, looking far too amused over this.
Seemingly appeased, Hongjoong unlatched his mouth from Wooyoung’s hand. He asked, “What’s this about surprising San-ah?”
Giggling, Wooyoung answered, “Sannie hasn’t met our Yeosangie yet. Just trying to keep the element of surprise until we meet him after the show.”
Hongjoong opened his mouth, looking as though he still wanted to chip in to that remark, but the ampitheatre’s lights dimmed, signaling that the show was about to start.
A striking figure entered the dark stage, clad in a shimmering, all-white outfit that outlined their figure despite the darkness. A ballerino. When the spotlight turned on, it became clear that the figure belonged to Seonghwa, his gorgeous smile and twinkling eyes unmistakable even from San's seat.
Once he began to dance, the lines of his body and limbs gracefully following the grand strings that preluded the music, San could hear someone choke.
Hongjoong hissed loudly. "Yah, Song Mingi, you elbowed me!"
San had to turn at that, craning his neck to find that, yeah, okay, Mingi was also sitting there, squeezing his butt in between Hongjoong and Yunho.
"Swan Lake, third act, male variation," Wooyoung complacently commented, in the meantime. The back of the stage changed; snow-like white branches reached out to Seonghwa's grand pivoting figure, while icy sharp fences created an illusion as though bracketing him. "Wow, the Digital Contents students are going all out, huh. Making their own projection backdrops."
San turned to him. "How do you know all this?"
"Hey, I'm cultured, okay!"
Several people shushed them furiously, making San and Wooyoung turn back to Seonghwa's performance. San honestly had never really seen the appeal of ballet, but seeing Seonghwa do those jumps and landing so effortlessly afterwards made him rethink his entire life decisions. No wonder Mingi decided to go to KHU after he'd seen freshman Seonghwa's performance last year. Because, yeah, San could empathize with Mingi's half-choked sounds from the side.
After Seonghwa's opening act was over and he gave a final bow before the stage turned completely dark, Yunho gave a longing sigh.
"Seonghwa-hyungnim's control and grace," he wistfully said. "Ballet dancers are truly built different."
Mingi sighed as well, though San suspected it was for different reasons. "Hyungnim is the embodiment of beauty."
"Aren't you supposed to be backstage?" Wooyoung interjected. "You've been to the rehearsals so many times, Mangi."
Mingi heatedly retorted. "How can I miss hyungnim's performance? You're right, though. I gotta go, but before that, Yunho-yah, don't forget to record the musical for our Jongho."
Yunho gave an assenting noise as Mingi scurried away to the backstage. He went at the right moment too, because not too long after, several people appeared on the stage, before the spotlight flashed on to shine on them.
“Oh, right,” Hongjoong thoughtfully said aloud, as the players began narrating to the audience. “Seonghwa did tell me they cut some songs to make it shorter.”
Wooyoung snorted. "Two and a half hours is short, they thought?"
“How do I know which one is Kang Yeosang-ssi, though?” San asked, leaning towards him, once more characters appeared on stage. He’d only recognized Seonghwa and Yeonjun among the dancers, and even then, he had to look at least twice.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Wooyoung said. “I’ll let you know.”
Unconvinced by that reply, San only turned back to watching the performance, letting himself focus on the amazing soprano playing Christine, the protagonist. Then, he heard it, after “Christine” finished singing Think of Me. A deep, disembodied voice that invited the audience to crane their necks in search of its mysterious source.
“Brava,” it sang in a gentle praise. “Brava, bravissima.”
Beside San, Wooyoung held back something that sounded like a high-pitched squeal in the back of his throat. He gripped San’s arm in a vice, iron-tight clutch. “It’s him! Yeosangie!”
Ignoring Wooyoung’s flailing legs, San looked around. “But where is he?”
San found his answer soon enough when mist filled the stage and a cloaked, masked figure emerged. The Phantom, a threatening shadow that would lure Christine into his secret lair across the lake.
Wooyoung screeched. His elbow jabbed suddenly and painfully into San. “That’s Yeosangie! My son!”
“Oof,” San said, clutching his bruised side.
Still, he tried to focus on the Phantom, specifically, on his face. The unmasked part revealed Yeosang's smooth, pale skin not unlike Yunho's, and sharp jawline.
Pretty lips, San dazedly thought, before catching himself. Wait, is that too creepy?
He didn't get a chance to answer himself when Yeosang began to sing his part of the duet with "Christine".
When asked about the experience later, if he had to describe what he'd felt back then seeing Yeosang act, seeing his burning eyes pleadingly gaze into the audience and bringing the Phantom into life on that very stage, San would honestly say that it was the closest thing that he, an atheist, would have to undergoing a religious experience. From the moment Yeosang's soulful voice sang, bewitching San just as the Phantom's devotion to music had enraptured Christine, San went into an unshakeable trance that was only broken during the band finale of the annual Arts Show.
"That, was amazing, god," Wooyoung exclaimed once the lights of the amphitheater turned on, the audience starting to stream out. "Let me text Seonghwa-hyung and Yeosangie so that they’ll know we’ll be in the park. Yuyu, are you texting Mangi? Alright, that's settled. Let's go! C'mon, San-ah! San? Sannie, you good?"
San jolted out from his stupor, as much as he could with his mind and soul still trapped by the loop of brava, brava, bravissima. "Huh?"
Hongjoong easily filled him in on the plan. “We’re gonna wait in the park, the one in front of the amphitheater, for Mingi, Seonghwa-yah, Yeosang-ah. I don’t know if Wooyoung’s asked yet but we’re also planning to grab dinner afterwards. You’re joining us, right, San-ah?”
“Ah shit,” Wooyoung said. “I completely forgot to ask you about it, I’m really sorry! But you can, can’t you? No random, shitty calc or physics assignments you gotta hand in?”
Actually, San did need to get a head start for his calculus worksheets, otherwise he'd be fucked once they started on the next material - scholarship responsibilities and all - but a dinner honestly sounded great.
So, San found himself in the park, terribly squished between Yunho and Wooyoung because for some reason, all four of them thought it'd be a great idea to squeeze their butts on the wooden bench. Distantly, he could hear Hongjoong complaining about "Wooyoung you're too fucking close I hate this go sit on Yunho's lap I'm getting too hot" and "Where are they I'm suffering Seonghwa Seonghwa free me soon from my boyfriend" as Wooyoung cackled too-loudly beside his ear. The body heat actually helped San focus on his surroundings instead of remaining in a brain daze, so he wiggled a bit closer to Yunho's side.
Yunho nudged him gently, making San quizzically look up to face his kind, concerned eyes.
"You alright?"
San nodded. "I am, I am! Don't worry, it's just," he lifted up his hands, before letting them slump again. "The musical… The Phantom was just so… I haven't gotten over that."
"It was so good, wasn't it!" Wooyoung turned towards San, having apparently decided to give Hongjoong a break. ““I got goosebumps when I heard Yeosangie sing. Like, look, it's still here-" Wooyoung suddenly gasped, and in a blur of motion, he was gone from San's left.
"SEONGHWA-HYUNG!"
When San turned to look, Wooyoung had already tackled a pained-looking Seonghwa, making him stumble backwards that he bumped his back into Mingi, who froze at once as he steadied both of them.
"Your opening act, oh my god!" Wooyoung dramatically bawled, and even from here, San could see how his cheek was pressed tight to Seonghwa's chest. "As expected from my favorite hyung!"
On the bench, Hongjoong shook his head wryly, before he pushed himself off the bench. San and Yunho exchanged amused glances, before they followed Hongjoong to the forming assembly.
"Yah, Jung Wooyoung!" Hongjoong said. "Get your ass off Seonghwa, can't you see he's choking there? Also, Seonghwa-yah, great job."
Wooyoung rolled his eyes. "Jealous baby." Still, he let Seonghwa go and siddled back to Hongjoong's side, grabbing Hongjoong's pinky forcefully to hold.
"That was really amazing, hyungnim," Yunho complimented as well. "Think you definitely topped your last year's performance, and that was already so great."
Seonghwa's eyes curved as he smiled bashfully, giving a soft murmur of thanks to Yunho. San noticed that he's still wearing the glittering eye makeup from his performance, his dark hair damp from sweat. He caught Seonghwa's gaze, though, and Seonghwa's eyes brightened even more at seeing him.
"San-ah!" Seonghwa called, and San grinned as he bounced forward to hug Seonghwa. "I wasn't sure that you'd make it!"
"I diiiid! Finished my homework the night before, aren't you proud of me, hyungnim? Yunho was right, though, you really were amazing!" San squeezed Seonghwa again, grinning up at him. Seonghwa smiled softly, before thanking him.
And then someone took San by the collar of his shirt and pulled him back. "Ack!"
It was Mingi, his face flat as he released his hold on San's collar. San pouted at him for several seconds, before they broke into grins together.
"And look who we have here!" Wooyoung shouted on the side. He's headlocking another guy, bringing him slightly down to his height that San could only see his dark brown hair. Wooyoung's eyes were sparkling, his grin so, so wide as he broke into bright laughter. "The star of our musical! Yeosangie, you bastard, making me almost forgive you for always bailing on us! You did so well!"
Yeosang, San presumed, wheezed. "I've been practicing."
"I know, I know! God, I'm so proud! Oh, Yeosang-ah, c'mere, you haven't been around since I moved but here's the roommate, the one I've been telling you about. And, and, Sannie, San-ah, this is my best friend for 14 years going on 6 months, Yeosangie!"
San giggled as he neared them both. "Careful, Wooyoungie, you're gonna suffocate Yeosang-ssi like that. Nice to meet you-"
Yeosang looked up, and San's words died in his throat.
“Sannie,” Wooyoung carefully says, “did you just squeak?”
After a moment, San finally allowed himself to gulp, though he still didn’t trust himself not to immediately blabber something like “Holy fucking shit your Face” or “When Wooyoungie told me you’re handsome, I wasn’t expecting, well, this!” It’s okay. It’s fine. He could do this. He could answer Wooyoung’s simple question.
“No…?”
It came out reluctant-sounding and squeaky. San wanted to run into a dark cave and shut himself in to never see daylight ever again.
And it didn’t help that Wooyoung cackled at that answer, his voice high-pitched like a hyena as usual. He only gave a vaguely knowing look and wiggled eyebrows at San and, and! The nerve! Was it so wrong to think that someone’s good-looking, huh!
Thankfully, it’s Yeosang himself who came to San’s rescue.
“It’s nice to finally meet you too. Choi San-ssi, isn’t it?” Yeosang disentangled Wooyoung’s arm around his neck, before giving San a slight bow (that San returned) and a small grin (that San dazedly stared at). “I’m Yeosang, surnamed Kang. Nineteen years old.”
“Yah!” Wooyoung laughed again. “Why are you giving away your surname and age? Just say your blood type and zodiac as well while at it!”
“As much as I’d love for this conversation to continue,” Hongjoong tartly piped up, from where he, Seonghwa, Mingi, and Yunho had formed their own circle together. “I’d like to draw your attention to something important: I’m hungry. Seonghwa’s also hungry. Yunho- yeah, you too. Let’s get some food first!”
They filed into a barbeque restaurant near the noraebang where Jongho part-timed at. Two tables were used - San found himself sharing a table with Yeosang, Mingi and Seonghwa, while Wooyoung, Hongjoong and Yunho shared the other table. With the combination of Mingi and Wooyoung’s persistence, they managed to needle both Seonghwa and Hongjoong to pay for all of their meals.
“I’m the one performing, yet I’m also the one treating,” Seonghwa weakly complained.
On the next table, San could hear that Wooyoung was haggling with an increasingly irate Hongjoong over which meat cut they're allowed to buy.
Mingi shifted in his seat. “I can pay for my own portion, hyungnim…”
That caught Seonghwa’s attention rather quickly. “Mingi-yah, out of everyone here, you’re the dongsaeng I would rather treat." He gives Mingi a beatific smile. "You deserve a good meal for your good work. I'm glad to have you in the Costumes this year.”
San would laugh at the way Mingi's eyes go wide and stunned – either from the smile or the compliment, but in any case, not subtle at all – if Yeosang hadn’t chuckled and then turned to him to ask which side dishes San would like. After somewhat relaying a shaky “I would like mandu please” without being fully distracted by Yeosang’s pretty eyes, San could finally breathe out in relief.
When Yeosang turned to look at the menu with a thoughtful hum, San took the opportunity to admire Yeosang’s looks. Though his face was bare from makeup now, except for the bits of eyeliner that drew attention to his eyes, he was even more stunning up close. All angular jaws, his features proportionately striking. San would have to kill Wooyoung after this, naturally, for keeping him in the dark about Yeosang. But the first order of business, of course, would have San going ahead to praise Yeosang once they’re all done with ordering.
“You’re so amazing, Yeosang-ssi,” San said. “I’ve never watched musicals, really, but now I’m considering it because of you!”
Yeosang laughed at that. His laugh was heartily soft and shy, hidden behind an elegant yet surprisingly toned hand. For all the bravado, terror, and raw emotions that he showed as the Phantom, outside the stage, he seemed rather reticent, if not altogether reserved.
It was such an interesting contrast, in San’s view.
“That’s too much of a praise, San-ssi; I can’t compare to the originals.” Yeosang smiled, all blunt teeth and curved eyes. There was a splotch of pink mark on Yeosang’s left eye, softening the edge. “Oh, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what is your major, exactly?” As San blinked, Yeosang searched into San’s face with an intense depth to his focus. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with other dance and music students…”
Wooyoung seemed to catch that last bit, turning bodily from the other table towards them to admonish Yeosang. “Aish, I’ve told you about Sannie a lot, but you never pay attention, seriously.”
“Ey, Wooyoungie,” San chided. With pressed lips, Wooyoung turned again to his own table with Hongjoong and Yunho. Whereas, San continued onwards, “Um, I go to the Life Sciences college, actually. For plant and… uh, resources?”
Seonghwa piped up from his conversation with Mingi. “San studies plant and environmental new resources.”
“Ah, yeah,” San said. “That one!”
“Aah, I see, sorry for not realizing sooner, San-ssi,” Yeosang apologetically remarked. “But, plant and… environmental new resources. That sounds really tough.”
San tried to smile at that comment.
To be honest, if it had been up to San’s own choice, San wouldn’t even have gone to a science high school, moreover choosing KHU instead of other universities.
But that would be too loaded for this sort of conversation, so San chose the only way he could semi-express his dissatisfaction.
“It is tough! Why is there math in a major about plants!”
Everyone around the table laughed at San’s outrage, but San only focused on Yeosang's hearty giggle, on the way his entire body curled in as though he was used to hiding even the slightest hint of emotions.
At least, that was before Hongjoong reasoned, “Well, it is also about energy, San-ah. Math is the building blocks of the science field, after all.”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it,” Mingi further interjected, deepening his already low voice, and it made Wooyoung laugh so hard that his voice cracked.
San let out a whine as he laid his head on the table. Oh, woe was his life.
It's good that Yeosang found it funny, though.
“So,” Wooyoung began.
San groaned at the gossipy tone. "Wooyoung-ah."
After dinner, everyone returned back to their dorms. Both Seonghwa and Yeosang separated from the rest, as they - as well as Hongjoong, actually - had the four-person dorm on the other side of KHU's campus. Yunho decided to drop by Jongho's workplace to deliver him leftover grilled meat, and so Mingi left with San and Wooyoung (tailed by Hongjoong).
Once they were back to their respective room, sans for Hongjoong, Hongjoong immediately hogged Wooyoung's bed, headphones covering his ears as he worked on his beats. Meanwhile, both Wooyoung and San still didn't want to sleep just yet, and neither of them wanted to continue working on their readings/assignments. So, San took out his laptop, closed the calculus worksheet webpage taunting him, before booting up Netflix to watch Ponyo together with Wooyoung.
Pressed close to each other in San's bed, both of them listlessly watched on, having seen the movie before but still wanted to hang out with each other before going to sleep.
It's rather nice like this, San thought. Before Wooyoung got too nosy.
"So," he tried again. “What do you think of Yeosangie?”
"He's really cute," San answered spontaneously, and then immediately regretted it. Dammit.
San could feel Wooyoung turning towards him, could practically see the teasing glint in Wooyoung's eyes that spelled nothing good. “Oho?”
“Stop teasing me,” San whines, burying his face to the side of Wooyoung’s arm. His thoughts ran back to Yeosang and his shy smile, and San felt warmth slowly grow in his chest. It's almost enough to make him ignore the way Wooyoung burst into bright laughter, his sharp chin digging on the crown of San’s head as he leaned on him. Almost.
“Neeveeerrr- unless, well, you’re not okay with it and you want me to stop. Do you?”
San rolled his eyes before he knocked his head gently against Wooyoung’s chin, signaling that he wanted to be let free. Wooyoung complied, shifting away.
“Let’s stop talking,” San said.
“No, no, seriously,” Wooyoung frowned. “You gotta stand up for yourself and tell me about it. Like, if I get too much, especially with all the,” he waved his hands, before he gestured behind them at the leg he’d thrown over San’s calf when they were cuddling. “I know I can be very handsy.”
“Oh, yeah.”
San honestly didn’t mind that; though he had been shocked the first time Wooyoung had kissed his cheek or had casually slung an arm around his shoulders, San found that he only needed some time to get used to such tactile love language from friends, and to figure out if he could initiate it himself, even.
He said as much, “I kinda like it, actually.”
Wooyoung crooned at him, puckered mouth and all. “We’re truly perfect for each other.”
Hongjoong laughed from across the room. When San looked up, he was removing his headphones from his ears, his eyes curving cheekily from the force of his smile.
“And I’m just a chopped liver to you,” he dryly accused Wooyoung, slinging his headphones over his neck.
Wooyoung changed his trajectory at once. “Hongjoongie-ssi, I would never. You are everything to me, heart and meat and intestines. Muah muah chup chup.”
Not for the first time in San’s life, as he watched the way Hongjoong grimace from Wooyoung’s kissy face, he wondered how Hongjoong, a skinship hater, could possibly end up with someone like Wooyoung.
Power of love, San presumed.
"So, Yeosangie's reaaaally cute, huh?"
"Jung Wooyoung!"
Once Yeosang was no longer busy with the musical, San found him visiting Wooyoung and his room more and more often.
San learned more things about him; that he liked only eating meat, that he’s a terrible sweet tooth (San found out about this one when he saw Yeosang concoct an unholy milkshake of Hershey's chocolate, Reese's peanut butter bar, and marshmallows), and that he’s also somewhat of a gym rat. That he was terribly popular among the girls in highschool - was a factoid San heard from Wooyoung, which reminded San again that ahh most people were straight, after all. Even with the majority of San's current friend group being queer (for this term, San learned it from Mingi), Yeosang was probably straight as well, since San had never heard him ever liking guys or, uh, nonbinary people or androgynous people or, as Hongjoong would put it, other genderqueer people.
Though San didn't really get why Yeosang didn't mind not just hanging out with straighties, as much as San liked Wooyoung.
Still, within Wooyoung’s close circle of friends, besides Hongjoong and Seonghwa, slowly, Yeosang also became a permanent visitor to their room even when Wooyoung was not there.
“It doesn’t bother you, does it, San-ssi?” Yeosang brought it up, one day, as he stared intensely at San.
He’s here to use Wooyoung’s whiteboard; they had a study system, apparently - in which Yeosang would draw a more visual representation of the theories from the textbooks to help Wooyoung, while Wooyoung would look up Youtube videos for more context.
“Oh, no, yeah! I love it when you're around, I mean, I mind only if you mind, though, well I don't mind at all,” at Yeosang's blank stare, San took a breath. Get a hold of yourself, Choi San. “It’s all cool.”
Of all reactions to give, he wasn’t expecting Yeosang to breathe out a sigh of relief.
“You’re really nice to Wooyoung,” he said, smiling warmly. “I’m glad.”
San… honestly did not understand this. A similar thing once happened with Hongjoong, when San went with him to the kitchen to make coffee at 3AM. Deadline things, you see.
“Hey, San-ah,” he had softly said. “I appreciate it that you’re Wooyoung’s current roommate. Sorry this is so… out of the pocket, but I just really appreciate it. You’re very sweet. Won't change anything if you hurt Wooyoung, though. Don't say to him that I gave you a semi-shovel talk today.”
Something about that rubbed San a little bit in the wrong way. Yes, Wooyoung sometimes forgot to wash his dishes and left it for more than several days in the kitchen. Yes, he sometimes also forgot to ask San if it's okay to invite his friends to their room, even when San needed time to focus on his studies. Yes, he could be a bit too overwhelming in the times San wanted some quietness instead. But that didn't mean that Wooyoung was that unlikable. And hearing that from his closest people made San felt... it just seemed wrong.
San slowly said, "Even though Wooyoungie's a little bit loud and all like that, he's not bad, really."
Yeosang's eyes widened.
"That's not what I mean," he tried to amend. San watched on as he fumbled for words, though a part of him relaxed once he noticed Yeosang seemed like he didn't mean his earlier words in a bad way.
Yeosang spoke again, this time carefully, haltingly, "I mean... I've known him since we were both still children. I know Wooyoung is really good, and he has a lot of love to give. But most people don't really take too kindly of him. Either for his bigger than life personality, or his sexuality."
San watched as a thin smile spread on Yeosang’s lips, frost-like delicate.
“He’s strong…" Yeosang admitted, "But even he has his moments of weaknesses, too. From dealing with that kind of people, mostly."
San frowned heavily. "That's... awful. I really wouldn't have thought of him like that. Wooyoungie's so nice and thoughtful - people should've been able to see that."
That seemed to distract Yeosang from his next words, as he looked up to San. Whatever expression it was on San's face, it seemed to satisfy him, as his smile changed for the lighter, sweeter.
"That's why," he gently said. "I'm glad, that you can see that in Wooyoung. Ah, but, sorry, I digress. In any case, I’m glad you don’t mind me here, though,” he raised his textbook. “I will just do readings for Contemp.”
“You still have to do readings?”
Unexpectedly, Yeosang dropped his hand, groaning while at it. He didn't seem like someone who would complain about his studies, especially to someone like San. “I know. I thought I’d be free from having to do this when I signed up for this major.”
San searched his face. Something about Yeosang's annoyance seemed a bit... performative, like he's complaining just for the sake of complaining. Otherwise, he wouldn't have gone to the length of drawing those figures for Wooyoung, or even have gone to audition for a musical for it. Unlike San, who genuinely wasn't as attached to his major.
He questioned, “But you like studying it, don't you?”
This time, Yeosang’s smile was fond. The sight lit something inside San’s chest aflame, something that made him feel as though his heart was about to beat out of his ribcage.
“Took me a while to convince my parents about it,” he demurred, truthful in his admission, gentle in his speech, "but I do."
The vulnerability of this moment felt too… precious. San wouldn’t want to share this with anyone else.
“Why did you do musicals, though? I mean, aren't there dance and lines too in normal plays?”
The spell broke. Yeosang gave a laugh - a string of pointed and comical “ha ha ha” - that San would learn to recognize as his nervous habit. “Well, funny you ask that! I’m not… I’m not really good with delivering lines. So, I chose something I would feel more comfortable with, instead of, well, other forms of play."
San leaned on his steeple, encouraging Yeosang to talk more about what he meant. When Yeosang saw San's gesture, a moment of hesitance seemed to cross his face, before something came over him - a sort of resolve - and so he continued on.
“Musical… well, I think it’s kind of similar to dancing. There are emotions coming from the music… and the rest is a form of… embodying those emotions, of developing a role with its own personality, and that personality will be very different from me, of course,” Yeosang laughs again, shaking his head. “I don’t know, but I like that it’s the charm. To shed myself for that short moment on stage, and to become something... someone else. To be free… It’s a bit cathartic, in a sense.”
Seeing Yeosang’s wistful face as he talked about musical, despite its beauty, made San rather dispirited, all the sudden. That sort of freedom, and the different kind of freedom in being able to pursue and do the thing you love - were not privy to San’s carefully-sectioned, restricted life. The realization sparked envy - a bright, green ember in his chest.
“I just realized, I've never said that to anyone else. Thank you for listening." Yeosang turned to him, his smile bright. “What about you, though, San-ssi? Do you have anything like that for yourself?”
San tried to snuff that ugly feeling, though; Yeosang didn’t know anything, and San wasn't about to make him suddenly deal with San's set of problems.
“I mean, I used to sing.” And then, he found out that he liked men, and he came to the conclusion that if he would disappoint his parents because he’s gay in this very probable future, he’d better offset that by studying in a prestigious university, all with scholarship for a marketable enough major. And so, no more singing, no more dancing. All of that had to be pushed back to the deepest part of both San's heart and mind. Though, he still asked, “Can you also count dancing to EXO’s songs?”
Hearing that, Yeosang’s face lit up. San thought that this might be one of his favorites of Yeosang’s many expressions, and he basked on the sight until he heard Yeosang’s next words.
“Oh, then you should join our dance club!”
Wait, what was that again? “Huh?”
Yeosang repeated, a grin on his angelic face. “Why don’t you join our dance club? Minho-hyungnim teaches dance covers, so it’s usually low effort. Last time, Seonghwa-hyung got us all into learning Chungha’s Gotta Go. So, it’s not only for boy group dances, too.”
San was beginning to realize that he might have accidentally dug himself into a hole as soon as he looked into Yeosang’s eyes and could not even find it in himself to reject him. Think of your academics! He tried to do so, rather unsuccessfully. Chemistry! Differentials! Plants!
“I don’t think I’d have the time…” he weakly said. “And, Yeosangie, I mean, Yeosang-ssi–”
“You don’t have to be so formal,” Yeosang said, before he blinked and then blushed. “I… only if you don’t mind as well…”
San dazedly stares at Yeosang’s pink cheeks, fighting off the urge to give each of them a tiny kiss. He did, however, still think that Yeosang looked like a delicious piece of peach this way. “Alright, Yeosang-ah. Same with you, by the way.”
Yeosang fidgeted, his cheeks turning even redder. “San-ah,” he shyly said, and San felt like he’s winning in life. No, that he won in a FIFA game against Yunho. “Ah, well, ha ha ha, it’s no pressure, but I think it will be nice if you can be there. We’re starting a new cover as well, and not all of us are dancers, so everyone is at the same starting point…"
San felt himself woodenly nod, heard his tinny voice exclaim something that might have been an affirmation. It’s all worth it if only for the bright smile Yeosang sent him, before they both attempted to concentrate on their respective readings.
Well, that was what San thought, until a certain Jung Wooyoung caught wind of his joining and proceeded to scream his ears off over it.
Eh, worth it.
Notes:
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