show me hope [FIC]

[notturnito]

Title: show me hope
Fandom: Akatsuki no Yona
Rating: T
Pairing(s): Mutually pining Jae-ha/Kija, though more clearly shown in Jae-ha’s side.
Warnings: Aftermath of violence, mentions of Nadai withdrawal’s effects, past abuse.
Notes: Set around Chapter 134. They try to solve their problems by talking it out. This is pre-slash.

---

They huddle together on the corner of that rotten jail cell, Kija and Jae-ha.

It's a realization Jae-ha comes into once he wakes up somewhere in the middle of night—or is it? He's not so sure. He takes a look at everyone asleep before him and just assumes that it's night already. He hears someone's breathing beside him and before he even turns, he already know it's Kija from the bright white light of his presence, the mark of the dragons' blood curling around them as if bond—no, it is precisely a bond.

(The thought doesn't bother Jae-ha as much as before meeting them.

Even battered up, wounded, skin translucent to the point of being cadaverous; Kija is still very bright. He never seems to dim out of presence.

Something in Kija's breathing shifts. He stirs, moving just so slightly beneath his blanket, before waking up just a moment later. The flutter of Kija's eyelashes against his cheeks, the soft exhale that Kija lets out from his mouth; all of that culminates into a feeling Jae-ha doesn't have a name for. He only know how it burns under his ribcages.

"Jae... ha?" Kija breathes rather than says out, filled with effort from pain, one unfocused eye fluttering open.

When his eyes found Jae-ha, something in Jae-ha’s breathing hitch, warmth crawling in to fill the space within his chest.

Jae-ha puts a finger to his lips, can't help but smiling. He notes Kija's eyes flickering to the gesture, before turning to the others who are still sleeping, then filled with understanding. It still doesn't let him stop from trying to sit up against the wall.

"Hey," Jae-ha says, alarmed, hand immediately bracing one of Kija's shoulders. The pain flaring up his entire body makes him wince, which he tries to blissfully ignore in order to pull up Kija's body. The pained grunt Kija lets out is dangerously close to his ears. It is not entirely unrelated to Jae-ha's shiver, and how the entire skin on his neck prickles with goosebumps from the sound.

"Hey—take it easy," Jae-ha mumbles to the expanse of Kija's neck. The white of Kija's hair shines from the light provided by the torch, and its strands tickle Jae-ha nose once he pulls away from Kija's personal space.

Kija grunts instead, a combination from both pain and grateful. "Thanks," he says, turning his head towards Jae-ha.

He is very beautiful, even here, even when blood and dust are sticking to his face. The torches' embers are mirrored on his hair, making it glow an amalgamation of orange and yellow on the surface light touches. The blue of Kija's eyes still strikes him just like the first time they met, pinning his gaze down. It's what grounds Jae-ha despite the wind that carries him on his feet. No pull of wind is strong enough compared to that of Kija's eyes.

It takes Jae-ha a while to notice that Kija is frowning, too preoccupied in appreciating the sight. Before he can ask, Kija has already extended a hand toward him, the human one, to lightly take the fallen strands of Jae-ha's hair.

Oh, Jae-ha thinks.

"Your hair," Kija says around his frown, forehead creasing. He doesn't say anymore after that, only looking at the strands of Jae-ha's hair he is holding with an odd edge to his eyes. The frown mars his features from the strangeness of it.

Jae-ha doesn't know how to interpret the emotion in Kija's gaze when he looks up to him.

His throat feels dry, not only from the lack of water. "Oh, this?" He attempts for a smile, one he hopes look quite charming. "I think the tie's broken from earlier. You know—from the fight we had with the Five Stars. It still suits me, right?"

Kija pauses a tad too long for Jae-ha not to make any note about that, and under the light it’s hard to differentiate between the lull of torchlight on Kija’s skin or whether it is a blush instead. He makes a noncommittal sound and lets go of Jae-ha's hair. "Right."

At least it gets Jae-ha a semblance of smile. It curves sweetly on Kija’s lips, as does the fond gaze he is directing toward Jae-ha right now. The sight makes Jae-ha turn warm.

"How are your injuries?" Jae-ha manages to ask, torn between wanting to look away or holding his gaze instead, fixing himself upon Kija.

He almost regrets the question once Kija's smile fades.

With a sigh, Kija slumps on the wall, his chest caving in in a way that starkly reminds Jae-ha of the fight they had with the long-haired man, the one who had turned out to be one of the Five Stars. Yotaka, Jae-ha recalls, from the name that was spoken by his junior—the other one who had wanted to see behind the secret of Zeno’s regeneration with mania in his eyes.

Kija took a blow for him, the golden sphere of Yotaka’s chuí connecting with Kija’s chest in an awful sound. Jae-ha had watched, with his blood slowly freezing into a solidity as cold as ice, as Kija crumpled to the ground with the slow stream of red blood from his lips.

The memory still carves hollowness out of the pit of Jae-ha’s stomach.

"Not so good," Kija finally admits. He adds again immediately. "Yoon took a look at them, earlier."

Jae-ha watches the trail of Kija’s hand over his chest, over the wound caused by Yotaka’s hit. "Yoon's a good kid," he comments.

A smile quirks up Kija's lips. "He is, indeed."

Jae-ha turns away. He doesn’t think he can handle the softness in Kija’s gaze right now, that sort of tenderness.

They watch their companions for while. Jae-ha particularly is watching Yoon. He is the youngest out of all of them, and yet he is just so dependable, always so ready to carry what means is necessary for their sake. It seems that Yoon's sleep is not peaceful; there is a frown on his face and his eyebrows are scrunched up. Jae-ha would like to cross the distance between them to smooth the weary lines on Yoon's forehead if he weren't in so much pain right now. The wounds throb occasionally from time to time, as if reminding him.

His stomach twists unpleasantly from the reminder, his mind flashing in superimposed images. Most of them are Kija, his usually undefeatable figure brittle in that battle, his battered body lying on the ground as if ragged doll.

The words come out from his mouth before he knows it.

“You didn’t have to do it, you know.”

“What?” Kija says, startled-sounding.

Jae-ha stares at him, lips pressed.

The order not to attack the Five Stars came from him, and while he knows it is a better solution compared to jeopardizing the already fragile relationship between Xing and Kouka with fighting back, Jae-ha hadn’t known the consequences back then. He hadn’t known how it would affect his companions in the slightest bit. He hadn’t known the extent of the Five Stars’ hostility towards Kouka citizens, especially toward them, being what they are.

Jae-ha’s heart bruises, whenever he catches a glimpse of the wounds his companions support.

“Protecting me like that. Getting in the way of the enemies’ attack.” At Kija’s uncomprehending stare, Jae-ha adds. “You didn’t have to do that, Kija dear.”

The surprise within Kija’s eyes morphs into understanding, before twisting into irritation. He glares at Jae-ha with annoyance, his entire tone prickling in thorns. “Would you rather get hurt instead?” He states it like it is obvious that there were no other options.

“I would,” Jae-ha says.

Kija stares at him, his expression open and his eyes wide in their surprise.

It’s true, Jae-ha knows. He would rather it be him instead. Especially when this one attack is one out of malice for what they are, for the unimaginable power they possess.

It brings him back to his memories of Garou, of the man's derision and both envy for the Green Dragon dwelling within Jae-ha leg. It is a different sort of beating, compared to their fight with two of the Five Stars; one is underlying with yearning for power, the other instead sees them purely as monsters. But the chains holding his body to ground might as well be the same as the intangible weight of their actions as Kouka's citizens; each beating given despite their unwillingness to fight back might as well mirror Garou back then.

Jae-ha had taken that sort of hit. He still can take more, in lieu of his fellow dragons.

It still takes Jae-ha by surprise when Kija sighs, drawing a leg to himself, looking more frustrated than before.

“You’re so-” Kija’s voice is thick with emotions. It makes Jae-ha pause to take that in. “You’re always like that. Do you like pain so much that you seek it at every turn?”

“What?” This makes no sense whatsoever. “I have never...”
Kija levels him with a cool stare. “Need I remind you of what happened with Nadai.”

“Oh,” Jae-ha says. Then adds with difficulty, “That was different.”

Kija’s disbelief in his voice is clear, moreso his seemingly increasing exasperation. “How is that any different? You were careless in that situation. You were careless in this one, too.”

Jae-ha would prefer this conversation to take place when both of them weren’t so tired, lacking in blood, dust mucking their faces. It’s what makes Jae-ha’s answer slip out without any reservations. “This one gets you hurt.”

Kija inhales a sharp breath.

Jae-ha feels his face burning immediately. His heart plunges into the pit of his stomach, his nerves are in disarray.

The truth is that the honesty of it feels like something too close to being stabbed in the heart. The honesty of it feels like paring his whole being for the world to see. It makes him vulnerable. It makes him feel like he is giving Kija the chance of destroying something of him.

It doesn’t help that Kija looks like he is not expecting that sort of answer at all.

“Jae-ha,” Kija says, sounding every bit like the words are leaving him. “I... This is just another battle. I don’t... We get hurt all the time.”

What makes this one wound any different is the question unasked.

Jae-ha doesn’t trust himself enough to say anything other than, It terrifies me more than anything, to see you on lying on the ground like that. To see the others hurt beyond any measure. It’s terrifying.

He isn’t ready to admit himself like that. He is starting to understand the frustrated helplessness that mars Yoon’s actions, whenever they come to him all bloody and black-eyed.

“Besides,” Kija’s voice pulls Jae-ha’s attention towards him. He happens to meet Kija’s eyes that way, and as usual, the hold of Kija’s gaze upon him is comparable to the force pulling him down. “What makes you think I would want to watch you get hurt?”

All the replies he might’ve thought out before dries up in Jae-ha’s mouth. All the words leave his mind, striking him speechless, especially when Kija’s face turns darker than it supposed to be, before looking away in embarrassment.

Now that is a blush, Jae-ha thinks, dazed.

“I apologize,” he hears himself say, not feeling quite right on the right footing. “I... didn’t realize how much of it affects you- the incident with Nadai.”

It still affects him either, despite how fast it had left his bloodstreams. The drug coursed through him with a fiery burn, rotting out and eating up his mind and leaving everything barren in the wake of it. It made a poisonous root within him that cannot be removed. The back of Jae-ha’s throat still burns sometimes from the thirst for it—much to his shame.

He doesn’t know how to talk about it without admitting how much he fears of losing all of them; how he knows this wouldn’t last forever; of how happy he is right now, that it makes him want to run away first from the looming end, choosing to end it first, to drop everything and shedding his old life for a new one.

He swallows back and doesn’t say anything.

After a beat of silence, Kija finally lifts his head up. The way the light reflects in his eyes, the brightness of it, makes Kija look childlike and vulnerable in the way Jae-ha knows he can never try to imitate.

“I don’t want to see you suffer,” he breathes around the shakiness of his voice, and it strikes Jae-ha. It curves tightly around his beating heart. “Fool, she wouldn’t want to see you suffer.”

They don’t need to talk to know about whom Kija is referring to. There is only one she that they love like they would being alive.

It sobers Jae-ha up, the realization; clearing the fogginess of his mind. It almost makes him to laugh outright, to think he’s been fearing a future without them. To think he’s considering about to drop everything for a future without them. It’s true what Kija says; he truly is an idiot.

"Thank you, Kija," Jae-ha says, honesty bleeding into his voice, gratitude in his smile.

What matters now is the moment they live together.

That future without them, Jae-ha would kick it away if it dares to come near.

He stops thinking when a smile suddenly blooms on Kija’s lips, bright despite all the blood, all the dust. All the blood within him seems to rush up to his throat, creating a knot too heavy to be dispelled. He feels all too aware of the drying blood caking his temple, all on his face. He feels all too aware of the bruises stemming from the edge of Kija’s lips as well.

"You're welcome.” The sincerity in it makes Kija’s smile stand out better. He truly is, Jae-ha thinks, a very beautiful man. Kija then turns his face away, glancing on Jae-ha from the side. It’s to hide the truth behind the faux irritation of his next words. “Anyway, don't make it a habit, you hear me?"

A chuckle tears itself past Jae-ha’s mouth. “Duly noted,” he playfully says. "I'll make sure to leap out of the way fast enough, next time."

"You do that,” Kija says, with a softness that makes Jae-ha burn from the inside-out. This time, he’s the one to look away from it, not even sure of what he is feeling right now, not even sure in what way does he hold Kija anymore in his life. The burn of torches distracts him, and in the heart of the fire, Jae-ha sees a red that reminds him of a certain princess’ hair.

Silence, for a while.

"Do you think she'll be fine?" Jae-ha asks.

Yona’s face burns in his mind, his own chest tightening from the burden she must’ve carried. He feels rather than sees the gaze Kija levels on the side of his face, weighing both Jae-ha’s question and his own reply.

The answer does not disappoint.

"I have my utmost faith in her."

All at once Jae-ha's chest lightens. This time, for the future, he has hope.