all this time [FIC]

[notturnito]

Title: all this time
Fandom: Every Day the Protagonist Wants to Capture Me
Rating: T
Pairing(s): Shen Nian/Lu Qingan
Warnings: Post-canon, canon compliant, developing relationship, kissing (scandalous!).
Notes: written when i haven't finished reading the danmei until the end. has slight reference to svsss lol. 

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One day, all the memories that used to be hazy within Shen Nian clears. The fog of his mind lifts, and Shen Nian no longer needs to pick on himself for missing the smallest details, for forgetting a name. Shen Nian no longer needs to wonder whose face plagues his dreams, whose touch he yearns for. It all comes to him with a sudden clarity—and with the biggest mother of a shock.

Lu Qingan crosses his mind, younger, from a memory one lifetime ago. He has always been so peerlessly beautiful, this time he knows with no doubt.

Shen Nian sighs.

No wonder he’s always been so cold to him all this time.

Well, no matter. Shen Nian will have to set things straight between them.

 

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He finds Lu Qingan on the courtyard of the camp, cleaning his sword with a practiced dexterity while leaning against the bark of a tree.

Shen Nian can’t help but stare.

Even under the shade, Lu Qingan’s beauty still stands out. His face is a careful sculpture of fine, precise features, framed by the splay of his smooth hair. A cultivator’s senses are sharp, Shen Nian’s eyes even more; he can see the lock of hair that falls to Lu Qingan’s shoulder, coiling near a long, pale neck. The sight makes it hard to look away. But Shen Nian is more interested in the eyes. Lu Qingan’s eyes are as beautiful as the rest of him, his lashes long enough to accentuate his gaze, which is focused on his sword. Shen Nian has never envied a sword so much before.

Belatedly, he realizes it’s Bu Heng. It brings a new spark alight in his chest. He wants to laugh; now he’s even jealous of his own sword.

And honestly, honestly. How am I so blind? Shen Nian thinks, as his mind feels light and the depth of his chest is suffused with warm fire, at the mere sight of Lu Qingan. How can I not notice that the way I feel around him is the same way I feel for the person I yearned?

No matter. Shen Nian remembers now. He decides to observe more.

Lu Qingan looks relaxed, the lines of him less tense than usual. Shen Nian takes it as good enough permission to come over.

It doesn’t even take halfway through the courtyard for Lu Qingan to look up at him, having sensed his presence. Naturally, he looks down again, waiting for Shen Nian to approach under the pretense of still cleaning his sword.

Shen Nian smiles, a little sadly.

He has always waited for him this entire time.

Well, no matter now.

“An-an!” Shen Nian calls out with a nickname he now knows has been used for longer than time. He sees how Lu Qingan tense up from it, before relaxing again almost imperceptibly, resuming to clean his sword.

Shen Nian plops down in front of him, purposely brushing his toes with Lu Qingan’s. Lu Qingan doesn’t retract, which Shen Nian counts as small victory for him. His face does, however, turn frosty when Shen Nian sticks out his face near his.

It is all very purposeful. Shen Nian grins, looking up to Lu Qingan’s beautiful eyes. “Not even a word of greeting for me? How hurtful! It’s already unusual to see you loitering about with nothing to do, and now once I’ve greeted you, this is all I get.”

All of this, is bullshit, as both of them know that it’s Lu Qingan’s habit to pick a nice tree shade and meditate beneath it, occasionally polishing his sword as well.

Still, with the air of someone who has stuck by his side for hundreds of years, Lu Qingan puts aside Bu Heng, before polishing his own sword instead.

“No news from outside,” his voice is neutral, yet it sounds as melodious in Shen Nian’s ears as though the bell of heavens. “What do you want?”

Shen Nian puffs up his chest. “I have an amazing news. A really, really amazing news! Wouldn’t you like to hear?”

As Lu Qingan continues to disregard him, Shen Nian sticks his face even closer, smiling softly.

“I’m serious about this one, An-an,” he says. Only the deaf cannot hear the fondness in his voice.

Lu Qingan pauses, before sheathing the blade back without any sound or superfluous movements. All is precise and clear. He is precise and clear. Shen Nian has never wanted anyone so much in his life before.

It takes a while before Shen Nian realized that he hasn’t said anything, only focusing on tracing the lines of Lu Qingan’s face, comparing it to the face in his memories, overlapping it with moments of fondness, of falling apart, of mending back together again. He only realizes that by Lu Qingan’s impatient question: “What?”

Shen Nian sighs; he is truly amazing. Lu Qingan is truly, truly amazing! One of a kind in thousands and thousands of hundred years!

Overwhelmed by the bursting warmth in his heart, Shen Nian rushes forward and embraces Lu Qingan.

For years he had stayed a transparent soul. He was content enough if he stays by Lu Qingan’s side. But then, Lu Qingan was tipped by a friend, of a plant that could be molded into a body somewhere in the South. Despite Shen Nian not mentioning anything to him, Lu Qingan took it by himself to travel there for a week before returning back, planting the Sun and Moon Seed into their backyard. The result now can be seen if one looks at Shen Nian.

And now, now he has never been so grateful for having a body.

His heart beats so loudly. Despite the countless layers separating both of them, Shen Nian can still feel the rigidness of Lu Qingan’s muscles when he embraces him, can still feel the slight aversion to skin contact Lu Qingan preserves.

There’s no way he wouldn’t notice the rush of Shen Nian’s heart.

He hears Lu Qingan inhale beside his ears, and is unable to hold his laugh.

“I know, I know,” Shen Nian helplessly, fondly says, trying to placate him. Contrary to his words, he only tightens his hold on Lu Qingan more, as if not to let go. “You want me to back off, right? You don’t like physical contact so much. I will let go in a moment, alright, but let me have this.”

Lu Qingan exhales, his body tensing less under Shen Nian’s hold.

Shen Nian smiles at this, before pulling out of the hug to look at Lu Qingan, at his clear eyes. He resists the urge to hug him again before he calls out. “An-an.”

Shen Nian’s smile softens. He calls out again. “I remember.”

Lu Qingan stares at him, eyes slightly wide.

Shen Nian surges forward to embrace him again, throwing all of his weight into the motion. His chest feels as though it would burst. With a longing that has now healed, with disbelief, with happiness. He repeats again to Lu Qingan’s ears, feeling the soft skin under his mouth break into shudders. “I remember, An-an.”

Again and again he repeats. I remember. I remember. I remember.

It takes a while before Lu Qingan finally shows acknowledgements over Shen Nian’s words.

A sudden touch envelopes him. Lu Qingan returns his hug, his trembling palms splayed on Shen Nian’s back, his face buried on the junction beneath Shen Nian’s neck. It is so gentle. It is the most achingly careful hug Shen Nian has ever received in his life.

It brings him so much happiness; the hug. The feeling crashes into him as though a tidal wave, sweeping him over, making him fall—heart first, always his heart falling first for Lu Qingan.  

And so, rises another emotion within him.

Shen Nian pulls back a bit, closing his eyes with an exhaled shudder. He takes one of Lu Qingan’s hand to his hold and carefully places it on one of his cheeks. It almost makes him tear up by how unhesitatingly the hand cradles his cheek after, but that’s not the point Shen Nian wants to make. He shakes his head.

“For heavens, An-an,” he moans, moving Lu Qingan’s hand to smack his cheek. Gently, of course. He quite likes his own face.

Smack, smack. “Hit me. Hit me as hard as you can.”

Two other smacks. “I’ve been such a stupid idiot this whole time, An-an, I really don’t know how you even put up with me! I deserve it! Hit me.”

He smacks his cheek again with Lu Qingan’s palm, twice for good measure.

Suddenly Lu Qingan pulls his hand out.

When Shen Nian opens his eyes in surprise, he only manages to see a sturdy fist aiming at his cheek, coming readily for the blow.

Pain shoots his back and his cheek, like being struck by lightning. Dazed, when Shen Nian focuses his sight, he finds himself already lying on the ground just in front of Lu Qingan. Holding what he’s sure must be his swelling cheek, he sits up again, staring at his calm-looking friend who is now holding his fist up.

In fact, Lu Qingan’s face can be currently described as amiable-looking, peaceful. He drops back his hand beside him.

Shen Nian, of course, doesn’t learn his lesson. He crawls back to his former spot in front of Lu Qingan, his eyes following him the whole time. “Alright,” Shen Nian says. “I do deserve that. I’m not blaming you for giving the punch. I would do that too to my past self.” He pauses in consideration. “Just one punch, though?”

This makes Lu Qingan frown; a tiny twitch of strain on his lips.

“You don’t have yourself to blame,” he says, most likely to refer to Shen Nian’s amnesia. Well, given the horrible way he died, no wonder he himself didn’t want to remember. Hah.

Shen Nian manages a grin. “That’s not what I’m talking about, though I am still pretty much upset about that.” He shakes his head. “I’m more upset that I haven’t done this ever since I got here.”

Before even the words ‘Do what’ can escape Lu Qingan’s lips, Shen Nian has already smothered them with his own.

His lips are slightly chapped, but soft. Shen Nian feels himself melting softly from this alone. He takes his words back. Up to this moment, he has never been so grateful to have a body.

I’m really doing this, Shen Nian thinks, his head light, his chest bursting with fireworks of happiness and excitement and relief. I really am kissing An-an.

But the relief dies coldly. Shen Nian is quick to notice that Lu Qingan does not reciprocate his kiss.

The warmth in his chest flickers out. Shen Nian pulls out bitterly. Right, though he has—to an extent—always tolerated Shen Nian’s behavior, he never did say he likes him as well.

Shen Nian is about to leave the hug altogether when a strong hand grips him, and pulls him back.

Their mouths meet again, and unlike the previous chaste kiss he gives Lu Qingan, one Lu Qingan gives him is open-mouthed, not leaving any chance for Shen Nian to back down as Lu Qingan’s palm has somehow held the back of Shen Nian’s head. He is pressing further, deepening the kiss.

And, as Shen Nian closes his own eyes, he thinks: what else can he do but reciprocate?

There is no expertise in this—he’s gone for ages without kissing or bedding anyone, and he doubts Lu Qingan has ever kissed anyone before. But he tries angling their heads better, clutching onto him tighter. To be honest, his own enthusiasm and Lu Qingan’s voracity make up any lack of skills they might have, judging by the occasional soft moans and breathy exhales Lu Qingan slips out sometimes.

It’s a good sound. No, it’s a Great and Amazing sound! Shen Nian wants to hear it forever, for the rest of his life.

But then Lu Qingan’s kiss takes a sudden turn, as though he is awoken from a dream. Shen Nian doesn’t know when their positions have been switched, but suddenly he feels his back knocking onto tree bark, his own head cushioned by Lu Qingan’s palm. The edge of longing they both share nearly dissipates, pushed by something Shen Nian almost can’t recognize.

Desperation.

This kiss, the way Lu Qingan holds him, it’s as though he is clinging onto a driftwood for survival. And with sudden clarity, with sudden heartbreak, Shen Nian realizes that he is that driftwood.

It feels as though ages when they finally part, panting slightly from lack of breath. Sagging onto the tree bark, Shen Nian can see clearly from below the flush on Lu Qingan’s cheeks, the palpable want and longing on his face, to the slight red tinge on the edge of his eyes.

Dazed, Shen Nian reaches up, cupping Lu Qingan’s face.

How many nights? How many years of thinking that they would not meet each other again?

When Shen Nian finally has a body again, Lu Qingan had pulled him aside.

“Bu Heng. I return it to you,” he had said, placing the sword on Shen Nian’s hands. Even though occasionally Lu Qingan still takes Bu Heng out for polishing, as Shen Nian is too lazy to do so, it makes Shen Nian think.

Has he always been holding on to that sword this entire time? Has he always made Bu Heng a memento?

Shen Nian doesn’t even dare ask, not even to know if Lu Qingan had lit incense sticks or if he had burned paper money for him.

“I really have done it, haven’t I?” He murmurs, brushing his thumb on Lu Qingan’s cheek. His breath hitches when Lu Qingan leans onto the touch. “I really have wronged you.”

Lu Qingan touches his wrist, holding it. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse. “It doesn’t matter.”

Shen Nian shakes his head, hard. “It does matter.”

He stares up at Lu Qingan. “An-an, I’ve hurt you. I really have hurt you.” Shen Nian sits up, reaching out to cup Lu Qingan’s face with his other palm.

He thinks of those years Lu Qingan has spent alone, polishing his sword, when he could have stayed by his side instead.

Shen Nian breathes out, “An-an… I’m sorry.”

Lu Qingan exhales too, his breath shuddery. Shen Nian caresses his face again with his thumb, before leaning forward to hug him.

This time, Lu Qingan sags against him, surely.

As Shen Nian brushes his hair, he hears Lu Qingan say, nearly muffled. “No matter.” A beat of silence. “You’re here.”

Shen Nian laughs. “I am,” he pulls back, looking straight at Lu Qingan’s clear eyes. He can’t resist a fond smile breaking on his lips. “I’m here, now.”

Lu Qingan stares at him for a while, as though he is carving this moment, carving Shen Nian's features in his mind; as though he is assuring himself of this reality they both now have: Shen Nian alive, by his side. Both of them finally able to share every moment between them now, not alone anymore—but together.

Together, Shen Nian thinks. Together with An-an. And that sounds even better.

A small touch on his chin removes him from his thoughts. When Shen Nian looks, Lu Qingan is still staring, before he finally nods at himself. 

He leans down for another kiss.

Shen Nian welcomes him with open arms, smiling all along.

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